What about bisexuals and stepping out of a heterosexual marriage for male sex on the side?

by Mormanlee

"I cheated" - from The Daily Telegraph, Australia

Rick Brentlinger Answers -

Recently I received these questions from two married men who, though married, also struggle with same sex attraction. Both these questions could be summarized as asking:

"I've been married for years but now I think I'm gay - what do I do?"


"Is it okay to step outside my heterosexual marriage to have male-male sex?"

Question 1
"I have been married for 25 years and recently discovered that I am Gay. As I am in the latter stages of my reprogramming process, I still have my doubts as to my sexuality. So, I have kept my coming out to a minimum.

I am hesitant to introduce the possibility of my being gay into my marriage until i am certain of it and ready to leave if necessary.

I do what I can without causing problems inside the marriage to satisfy my gay needs, both social and sexual.

Being Christian, I still wonder what to do?" -Anonymous

Question 2
"What happens to me who is in love and married to a woman yet loves to satisfy my attraction to another man in a gay relationship at the same time being a good husband to my wife who knows of my relationship with another man who knows I am married?" -Mormanlee

Is there a practical, Spirit-filled, scriptural answer for questions about bisexuality and honoring one's marriage commitment? I believe the Bible does give us a solid scriptural answer about marital faithfulness.

Adultery - stepping out of your marriage to have sex with someone other than your marriage partner - is sin. Sin needs to be repented of.

On the question of bisexuality, society and laws in most western societies require you to make a choice - to whom will you be faithful?

"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." -Isaiah 53:4-5

Jesus was always faithful

Jesus gave all of us the best example of faithfulness by going to the Cross, laying down His life when He could have saved it and dying in our place. When you get tempted to step out of your marriage and cheat on your wife, remember the faithfulness of Jesus.

When you get tempted to ignore your marriage vows and cheat on your wife, remember the faithfulness of Jesus. It used to be that a man's word was his bond. If a man or woman gave his/her word, that was as good as a written contract. Cheating on your spouse is cheating whether its with a man or a woman.

Somehow our modern, Me, Me, Me culture has backed away from marital faithfulness and keeping one's word. If a man or woman is unhappy or unfulfilled in a marriage, the first thing to do is talk it out and pray it out with your spouse. You owe each other at least that much. To be blunt, its not okay to cheat on your wife.

If you spouse is not willing to pray and talk it out with you then you are still bound to make scriptural, Spirit-filled decisions. Its not okay to cheat on your wife with the excuse that she doesn't understand your needs.

The second thing to do is spend time studying the Bible to see if God has some instructions for you about marriage. Important passages to study include:

  • Matthew 19:3-12

  • 1 Corinthians 7

  • Ephesians 5

  • 1 Peter 3

Talking and praying about it together and studying the Bible together (on your own if she refuses to pray and study with you) should provide the input you need to get some direction from God.

I don't view this as a secret decision that men have the right to make on their own. You owe it to your wives to explain exactly what's going on and get their input.

There are no easy answers to the questions life throws at us. Sometimes we are required to make difficult decisions and often, those decisions cause emotional pain. Our goal as Bible believing Christians is to make the most spiritual and scriptural decision we can make. Our goal is to make a decision that honors God and His word, rightly divided.

In my opinion, stepping outside your marriage to have male-male sex is adultery. It is sinful and is not conduct God will bless, 1 Corinthians 7:2-9, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-9.

Faithfulness requires you to be true to your wife until she is no longer your wife. If you can't be true to the lady you're with now, whom you vowed to love and honor, your unfaithful conduct to her will probably carry over to whatever male-male relationship you start.

I encourage you to read the following Links which provide additional information and Biblical perspective. Your life will serve as an example or a warning for others. Which one your life becomes is up to you.

"Whether therefore you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." -1 Corinthians 10:31, American King James Version

Helpful Links

A life of frustration.

What advice do you have for a Mormon who is heterosexually married and struggling with gay feelings?

What is the purpose of committed gay relationships?

Does Romans 1:26 condemn lesbians?

Is there any evidence of an actual gay marriage in the Bible?

Why do homosexuals believe that homosexuality is not a sin?

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Comments for What about bisexuals and stepping out of a heterosexual marriage for male sex on the side?

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Nov 11, 2013
Bisexual and married
by: Terry

If you are bi-sexual and married, life will not be easy for you. That is a sad reality, yet many are born into this world under difficult circumstances. So, let's take a deep breath, relax, trust that God is good and that God loves us, and bravely explore this issue.

God's "law" for Christians is that we love God unequivocally and above all else, and to love others. This sounds easy, but the living out of a life of love is actually MORE difficult than following the 600+ laws in the Old Testament. We must put the needs of others above our own, and that is never easy. So let me give you MY take on the dilemma of a married bi-sexual.

You must put the heart and needs of your spouse above your own. If you feel that you cannot be faithful to your spouse (the very best option is fidelity to one spouse), you must have a long and difficult discussion with your spouse.

You must tell your spouse, to whom you have made sacred promises, of your feelings, desires and needs. In light of your realization that you have needs for intimacy with another person of the same gender, does your spouse want to end the marriage or retain it? Explore their feelings, giving them time to process their new reality, and love and support them through their own struggle.

The Bible does have multiple examples of polygamous marriages and of concubines - these are marriages with more than one spouse - but never condones promiscuous sexuality, fornication or adultery. Only sex within a committed relationship is blessed by and acceptable to God. This is the only means of being faithful to the "law of love".

If your spouse is absolutely opposed to you having another committed relationship with someone of the same gender, then you must make a prayerful decision to either deny yourself and retain your marriage and your vows (the best option) or to terminate the marriage.

Rick's comment: Terry, I edited out some of what you wrote because I do not believe it is right to recommend multiple partners for Christians.

Nov 14, 2013
by: Terry Barnard

Hello Pastor Rick, I fully understand, and indeed expect, most Christians to reject a polygamous relationship out of hand. However, this is a cultural, not a Biblical perspective. Paul writes that a Bishop must have only one wife - clearly saying that there were polygamous marriages among the new Gentile Christians. Even today, there are tribes in Africa where polygamy is practiced, and I have no information about how Christian Missions to those tribes handle the situation.

Rick's comment: Hi Terry, I do address the issue of polygamy on multiple pages of this website, including the article on which you commented. For example:

What does the Bible say about polygamy and open relationships?

Did Jesus define marriage as only between a man and a woman?

Marriage in the Bible?

I fully agree that a monogamous marriage is best, but do we want to say that when a homosexual/bi-sexual in a straight marriage cannot endure the lack of same gender love, they must seek a divorce and severely damage the spouse and children? The early church tolerated plural marriages, and in the rare situation where a family unit can only be saved with the inclusion of a second spouse or "concubine", I think it is not the best advice to enforce our cultural understandings.

Rick's comment: I think what we do not want to say is:

1. It is okay for gays in a heterosexual marriage to have a same sex relationship outside of their marriage.

2. It is okay for bisexuals in a heterosexual marriage to have a same sex relationship outside of their marriage.

On my website I have already addressed these issues to some degree but do not want to use this website to encourage someone already married to invite another sexual partner into the relationship.

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