A Life of Frustration


"Hi. I need help because I don't see any way out.

I remember that from the age of 9 or 10 years old, when my friends starting talking about girls, I just wasn't interested. Instead I had a crush on boys.

I kept this very secret, because I was told it was a sin and people like that went to hell.

When I became a young adult those feelings for guys grew stronger. I thought I should get married so that those feelings would stop.

So the first girl who showed an interest in me is the one I married. OK I love her, but the feelings for men have never left me. In fact they are stronger then ever and I have been married 35 years, with 3 kids and 7 grand-kids.

I just feel I have lived a life of lies and I cannot get over it. I have since found a secret boy friend, but that is not good either.

I do not want to hurt my whole family, because they all believe I have the same beliefs they do, yet I do not know if I can go on living this lie and feeling so unsatisfied.

My questions are:

Am I alone?

How do I deal with this?"

Rick Brentlinger Answers -

Thank you for writing to me. No, you are not alone.

Your dilemma is pretty normal for many gay men and lesbian women. I remember hearing years ago, "If you get married, that will cure you of being gay. Having sex with a woman will make you straight."

Of course, that hasn't worked for anyone I've ever heard of and obviously it hasn't worked for you.

You are in a difficult situation, being married with three children and seven grand-children. You made a spiritual and moral commitment to your wife and to God. By implication you also made a spiritual and moral commitment to your children and grand-children.

The question is, What does God expect of you in this situation?

God expects you to do the honorable thing, the right thing. Some anti-gay groups like Exodus International encourage gay men and lesbians that change is possible although very very few, if any, of their clients ever really change.

Some gay Christian men and lesbian Christian women have talked it over with their wife or husband and mutually decided to stay together. Some have decided to divorce. Either choice can be difficult and painful for everyone concerned.

You mentioned having a secret boyfriend so it seems unlikely that you've mentioned your dilemma to your wife.

The fact that you've been married for 35 years means you owe something to your wife. Living a secret life all these years has surely damaged your spiritual life, choked out your joy in the Lord and harmed the spiritual intimacy a husband ought to enjoy with his wife.

I do not know if you are a born again Christian or not. I sincerely hope that you are. If you are not, God is willing and able to save you when you call upon Him.

The first thing to do is make sure you are saved.

The second thing to do after you are sure you are saved is to break up with your secret boyfriend. The breakup should happen sooner rather than later. It would be marvelous if you could witness to him and lead him to saving faith in Jesus Christ. Perhaps your relationship is such that you can do that.

But remember, not only is it adultery to have a sexual relationship outside your marriage, it is also dishonest and unfair to your wife and children and to your boyfriend.

Human relationships can get very complicated and yet, continuing an adulterous affair is wrong for you and for your boyfriend.

The third thing is to focus on your personal spiritual growth and the spiritual growth of your wife and children. Are they saved and walking with the Lord? I have lots of helpful FREE info for spiritual growth here.

The fourth thing to do is pray and ask God to show you the appropriate time to talk about your dilemma with your wife. She deserves to hear the truth from you instead of via gossip. The two of you should pray together and seek God's answer for your particular situation.

I do not know enough about your situation to advise you as to the right course as far as staying together or splitting up. That must be between you and your wife and the Lord. I am absolutely certain our loving Lord will show you clearly what you should do.

"Call unto me and I will answer thee and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not." -Jeremiah 33:3

I would love to hear from you again if you would like to let folks know how things are going.

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Comments for A Life of Frustration

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Jul 28, 2009
Thanks Rick for the response
by: Simon

Ok - Yes I am a Born Again Christian - In fact I work for a Christian Organization. I would not be able to keep the job if it was known that I am gay.

Now back to my secret boyfriend - He is a friend of my family, also a Born Again Christian, but we have fallen in love. I call him my Jonathan and he calls me his David.

I know that what you are telling me that I should do is probably the right thing to do, but it is not an easy thing. My family would reject me and my friend's family would reject him. It is a very complicated situation.

I would love to hear from others who have been or are in a similar situation and how they cope with it. It just seems to me that there is no good answer to this.

I know that God has an answer. I just don't quite know if I am ready or able to hear His answer. I do pray about this a lot. I just wish that I could have my family understand as David was understood with Jonathan.

Sep 10, 2009
What is the Answer?
by: Anonymous


Well I am still struggling and I still haven't found an answer - I still have the secret boyfriend. We are talking, the boyfriend and I, and praying about our situation.

I have told him that he should find another man for his life, but he is in love with me and I am with him, although we are trying to stay apart, but we cannot totally ignore each other because even that causes questions in our families since we are both known.

I wish there were others who could shed some light and Godly wisdom on this crazy situation.

Please pray for us, because right now I don't have a clue what to do. I cannot come out without destroying a lot of what my family has.

Even if I decided to not see my boyfriend anymore and if I told my wife and family, I would lose my job, because my supervisor at my place of work would not be able to keep me without me rejecting my homosexual orientation. Even if they would legally have to, I would not be able to keep the job - It would be emotionally impossible for me to stay.

Sep 21, 2009
Stumbled upon this site ...
by: Anonymous


First let me premise this response by stating that, while I believe in the teachings of Jesus, I have doubts about him being God or the Son of God, so take my opinions as you see fit.

In my opinion, your first obligation is to your family. I think you should discuss your struggles with your wife. Honesty and communication are crucial for any relationship, and if she--or the rest of your family--are unsympathetic and refuse to try to help you through this then they are failing you as a family. We all have struggles; they are no different.

You made an extremely poor decision by being unfaithful. This complicates things tremendously. Get yourself tested for diseases, at least for her sake. I would end the extramarital relationship, at least until the marriage itself became impossible to sustain and had ended.

As for your job, it sounds like it's already emotionally impossible for you to stay. I would quit working for the church regardless of anything else. I could not work in an environment where the only way I was accepted was by pretending to be someone I wasn't; that's not acceptance. "Brothers," either by blood or through Jesus, support each other through situations like this, they don't reject them.

Those are my opinions for what they're worth. I hope you find them helpful. Good luck to you and your family.

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