A Life of Frustration
"Hi. I need help because I don't see any way out.
I remember that from the age of 9 or 10 years old, when my friends starting talking about girls, I just wasn't interested. Instead I had a crush on boys.
I kept this very secret, because I was told it was a sin and people like that went to hell.
When I became a young adult those feelings for guys grew stronger. I thought I should get married so that those feelings would stop.
So the first girl who showed an interest in me is the one I married. OK I love her, but the feelings for men have never left me. In fact they are stronger then ever and I have been married 35 years, with 3 kids and 7 grand-kids.
I just feel I have lived a life of lies and I cannot get over it. I have since found a secret boy friend, but that is not good either.
I do not want to hurt my whole family, because they all believe I have the same beliefs they do, yet I do not know if I can go on living this lie and feeling so unsatisfied.
My questions are:
Am I alone?
How do I deal with this?"
Rick Brentlinger Answers -
Thank you for writing to me. No, you are not alone.
Your dilemma is pretty normal for many gay men and lesbian women. I remember hearing years ago, "If you get married, that will cure you of being gay. Having sex with a woman will make you straight."
Of course, that hasn't worked for anyone I've ever heard of and obviously it hasn't worked for you.
You are in a difficult situation, being married with three children and seven grand-children. You made a spiritual and moral commitment to your wife and to God. By implication you also made a spiritual and moral commitment to your children and grand-children.
The question is, What does God expect of you in this situation?
God expects you to do the honorable thing, the right thing. Some anti-gay groups like Exodus International
encourage gay men and lesbians that change is possible although very very few, if any, of their clients ever really change.
Some gay Christian men and lesbian Christian women have talked it over with their wife or husband and mutually decided to stay together. Some have decided to divorce. Either choice can be difficult and painful for everyone concerned.
You mentioned having a secret boyfriend so it seems unlikely that you've mentioned your dilemma to your wife.
The fact that you've been married for 35 years means you owe something to your wife. Living a secret life all these years has surely damaged your spiritual life, choked out your joy in the Lord and harmed the spiritual intimacy a husband ought to enjoy with his wife.
I do not know if you are a born again Christian or not. I sincerely hope that you are. If you are not, God is willing and able to save you when you call upon Him.The first thing to do is make sure you are saved.The second thing
to do after you are sure you are saved is to break up with your secret boyfriend. The breakup should happen sooner rather than later. It would be marvelous if you could witness to him and lead him to saving faith in Jesus Christ. Perhaps your relationship is such that you can do that.
But remember, not only is it adultery to have a sexual relationship outside your marriage, it is also dishonest and unfair to your wife and children and to your boyfriend.
Human relationships can get very complicated and yet, continuing an adulterous affair is wrong for you and for your boyfriend. The third thing
is to focus on your personal spiritual growth and the spiritual growth of your wife and children. Are they saved and walking with the Lord? I have lots of helpful FREE info for spiritual growth here.The fourth thing
to do is pray and ask God to show you the appropriate time to talk about your dilemma with your wife. She deserves to hear the truth from you instead of via gossip. The two of you should pray together and seek God's answer for your particular situation.
I do not know enough about your situation to advise you as to the right course as far as staying together or splitting up. That must be between you and your wife and the Lord. I am absolutely certain our loving Lord will show you clearly what you should do.
"Call unto me and I will answer thee and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not." -Jeremiah 33:3
I would love to hear from you again if you would like to let folks know how things are going.
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