Since gay couples cannot legally marry, is sex in a committed relationship sin?

Rick Brentlinger Answers -

No, two people of the same sex in committed relationship are not committing sin when they have sex with each other. Some Christians constantly accuse gays and lesbians of immorality for having sex in a committed relationship, which the accusing Christians do not recognize as Godly.

These Christians, some of whom are probably well-meaning but most of whom would benefit by learning to think for themselves, miss the boat in many areas.

They think they are smarter than God who tells us in scripture:
"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. " -1 Corinthians 7:2
The scriptural principle is that God created us sexual beings. Knowing that He designed us with a sex drive, God encourages us to have a partner to whom we are committed. This provides us with an outlet for the sex drive God created and helps us avoid the spiritual chaos which results from recreational sex outside a committed relationship like marriage.

Modern anti-gay Christians want to compel gays and lesbians to live lonely, loveless, sexless lives or compel us to live by their opinions and marry an opposite sex partner for whom we feel no emotional, physical or spiritual attraction.

Facts About Biblical Marriage

  1. Marriage in the Bible is NEVER a civil or religious ceremony.

  2. Marriage in the Bible is entirely different from our modern concept of marriage in the twenty-first century.

  3. In the Old Testament people got married but no one in the Old Testament got married by a denominationally affiliated pastor in a church building. Those didn't exist in the Old Testament.

  4. In the Old Testament, a marriage sanctioned by God included a widow marrying her dead husband's brother, a Jewish custom called levirate marriage, Deuteronomy 25:5-10.

    Modern anti-gay Christians who accuse gays of immorality absolutely REFUSE to obey the Bible concerning levirate marriage. Isn't that interesting?

  5. Biblical marriages which God blessed in the Bible included killing warriors and their wives, of an enemy nation and then capturing and marrying their virgin daughters.

    Modern anti-gay Christians don't do that as far as I am aware yet honesty compels us to acknowledge that this type of marriage represented Biblical family values in the Old Testament.

  6. Biblical marriages which God blessed in the Bible included men marrying multiple wives, sometimes as many as 14 in the case of King Abijah, 2 Chronicles 13:21 and 700 wives in the case of King Solomon, 1 Kings 11:1-5.

  7. Honesty also compels us to admit that a gay man partnering with another gay man for life is pretty tame compared to Biblical marriages like the ones we've mentioned.

  8. The Bible tells about marriages which seem weird and off-putting to us in the twenty first century because marriage in the Bible reflected the cultural values and mores of the ancient near east.

    The Bible is an honest book and doesn't try to sugarcoat anything or hide the fleshly flaws of its heroic characters.

  9. The fact is, every honest Christian acknowledges that the Bible reflects the beliefs and cultural values of the times in which it was written.

  10. Every honest Christian also acknowledges that we reject some types of marriage which were sanctified and blessed in the Bible because some of those Biblical marriage models are abhorrent to modern culture.

  11. Since Biblical marriage models reflected the cultural values of that far away time, and since God blessed those marriages (which we reject today), is the modern church willing to follow the Biblical example?

  12. Since some Biblical marriage models are not valid today and since God's followers in the Bible embraced the marriage models their ancient culture embraced, why cannot modern Christians embrace the marriage models our modern culture embraces?

  13. In some places, gay marriage and lesbian marriage is legal, honored, sanctified, blessed and embraced. This provides us a solid foundation to also embrace gay marriage based on Biblical examples of marriage models which were blessed in the Bible but are considered abhorrent today.

  14. In the Bible, a marriage is when flesh joins flesh, Genesis 2:24.

  15. Marriage, whether same sex or opposite sex, provides many blessings which ought to be legally available to gays and lesbians.

  16. Gay marriage honors the spirit of marriage in the Bible, honors the goal of avoiding fornication and upholds the Biblical example of accepting the cultural situation in which we find ourselves.

Additional information
about gay marriage

Did you know gay marriage is as old as history?

Are gay marriages an important civil right to you?

Is there any evidence of an actual gay marriage in the Bible?

God saves gays but do you think he wants them to stay gay?

Why has God allowed his word to be so misinterpreted regarding homosexuality?

Original Question:

"If a gay couple are unable to get legally married in their state of residence, how do we get around the "sex before marriage" sin?"

Comments for Since gay couples cannot legally marry, is sex in a committed relationship sin?

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Mar 20, 2010
Many straight Christians don't realize...
by: Sparrow

...that the Bible's most beautiful words of love, devotion, and commitment -- words that many will cite even today in wedding ceremonies around the world -- were originally spoken from one woman to another woman in the story of Ruth and Naomi.

Ruth 1:16 - KJV - And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for wither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 - KJV - Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.

Ruth 1:16 - NIV - But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go, I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.

17 - NIV - Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

From a page titled, Wedding Related Bible Readings:

Jun 29, 2010
I Love You
by: Anonymous

If God allowed gay marriage He would not of created a woman out of Adams rib. I am sure you are aware that males and females are made differently. This was for a purpose set by God.
I am only interested in the biblical view of marriage, sin, righteousness, etc. There are many sins(all the same) in the bible. Adultery is sin outside marriage-it is condemned in the bible.(Exodus 20:14; 1Cor. 6:9,10) Then fornication which is sex before marriage-it is forbidden(1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; Ephesians 5:3). Then there is homosexuality(also a sin). True Christians(those with a true, Holy Spirit led, relationship with Gods son who was sent to save every sinner)know the truth. There are a lot of false prophets that will try to twist in lies(from satan) along with Gods truth. We have to be very careful whom we listen to. 1Corinthians 6:9;10 declares those who practice homosexuality will NOT inherit the Kingdom of God" Homosexuals are not the only ones - fornicators, idolators, adulteres, thieves, covetousness, drunks, revilers, and extortionists. In bible times there were people who were changed from these sins and were washed clean, sanctified, and justified in the name of Jesus and by the Spirit of God. ( See 1 Corinthians 6:11). Homosex. is forbidden by God-It is an abomination(see Leviticus 18:22)-See also Leviticus 20:13**** HOmosexuality is a detestable sin. As Christians led by the Holy Spirit we are to love the sinner, but NOT love the sin-PLEASE REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE. Jesus will be coming soon, and my prayer is for all those who have turned to themselves shall repent and be saved so that they may inherit Eternal life and not eternal fire of the evil one. God Bless and I love you!!!!!

Jun 29, 2010
Passive-aggressive "I love you" but you're an abomination emails
by: Rick Brentlinger

Rick's comment: I get weird passive-aggressive emails all the time.

"I love you" but you're a false prophet...

"I love you" but you're an abomination...

"I love you" but you're going to burn in eternal fire...

These passive-aggressive emails from airhead christians who are too lazy to study the Bible are kind of funny after a while.

I don't publish most of them but wanted my readers to see the type of stuff cowardly lazy christians send me every month.

Truth is available IF you have the courage to embrace it.

Dec 03, 2010
by: robyn

Rick, in many ways you make sense. But there are a few instances when I feel like your interpretation is a bit of a stretch. And I am a gay Christian. And true, I am just starting to study all of this, thus how I found this site. But making everyone who doesn't agree with you out to be a lazy Christian who just loves to hate gays, isn't exactly fair. He is doing what he feels is right, based on what he has learned and what he believes, which is what we all try to do, you included.

Dec 03, 2010
by: RIck Brentlinger

Rick's comment: Robyn - I don't believe or teach or state that "everyone" who disagrees with me is a lazy cowardly Christian.

But my words accurately describe self-avowed Christians who post Anonymous hateful comments which reflect NO understanding of the text, NO study of the issues involved, NO convincing argument, NO original thought, NO borrowed thought, NO idea of the context of the clobber passages.

As you noted, you're just starting to study the issue. Lack of experience dealing with haters may be causing you to give the benefit of the doubt where it is not deserved.

Jan 06, 2011
Just a Thought...
by: Anonymous

Just a thought?
I've been learning about scripture for most of my life and I have a gay uncle from my father's side, a gay cousin from my mother's, and many homosexual friends and coworkers and I am by NO means a hater; however, I have never encountered a homosexual who feels the need to prove so badly that their behavior is acceptable by God the father.

Two examples: My uncle acknowledges that he's had gay feelings since a young boy, but sees it as his struggle or his "cross to bear" because he knows in the bible it isn't acceptable. He had a hard 10 years fighting urges, but he now has decided that he would rather be in the kingdom of heaven with our Lord Jesus Christ, than give into earthly temptations. I respect his opinion as it was a hard one to make, something most people wouldn't be able to do.

My cousin has believed he was homosexual since he was around 12, believes in God, but doesn't feel the need to give up this way of feeling. He chooses to not fight his feelings and says we?re made to feel a way for a reason. I respect his choice as well, all though I do not agree with it. We have a close relationship.

What I respect mostly though is that they have not made implications of the scriptures which is the word of God to justify their actions or feel they?re leading sinless lives. They've simply taken ownership and even though they are doing opposite things, they are both happy with their lives and decisions. What happens in the afterlife is up to God.

If you're seeking to be accepted so badly, is there a possibility that it is because you know deep down inside that it isn't condoned?

There are some great priests/sages/rabbis and scholars that spend their whole life committed to understanding and learning the bible and it's intensely deep interpretations. Would they not have stumbled upon these teachings that you are claiming?

All I can say is written in Matthew 18. 6-9

"If any of you put a stumbling block before one of the little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of the stumbling blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes!"

"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the hell of fire."

Vulnerable people should not be lead down a sour path.

Jan 07, 2011
In regards to part of the above comment by Anon
by: Kendall

The purpose of this website is to show gay Christians that the Bible doesn't condemn homosexuals.

While it seems that some of the arguments may be a stretch, I think I believe the majority of what he says.

This isn't one huge self-affirmation.

Jan 07, 2011
to Jan 6, 2011 Anonymous
by: Rick Brentlinger

Rick's comment: I'm always amused when people make false charges, as you have done, without engaging any of the arguments you view as self-serving.

Perhaps in the world you inhabit, opinions without facts are viewed as convincing. In the real world where thoughtful people dwell, we require logic, scripture in context and rational argument to support our beliefs.

I applaud your close friendships with your gay relatives. I hope you love them enough to acquaint yourself with the facts. As you learn and grow, you will discover truths which will surprise you and cause you to change your present opinions.

Feb 08, 2012
What exactly is a committed relationship?
by: John

Hi, Rick, first just to say I love your website, and it has answered so many questions I had.

But I'm a bit confused. When I was first coming out to myself as gay, I was (and still am) confused about having sex, because I didn't want to do it outside of marriage, even though I knew our definition of "marriage" is way different from the Bible's.

I'm kind of afraid to disappoint God or sin, so what is a "committed relationship", is it just two people making a commitment to God and themselves to be partners for life?

Also, I'm, just now coming out this past year, and I still haven't told my parents. I told my brother, and he said he would support me, and he loved me, but whenever I need support he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm afraid to tell my parents, because I come from a very, VERY conservative, christian family, that is very homophobic. I'm also especially afraid to tell my dad, because we're not very close, and he gets very angry and upset very easily.

Could you give me some advice on how to come out.

Feb 09, 2012
Great questions - helpful answers
by: Rick Brentlinger

Rick's comment: Hi John- Thanks for the great questions. UPDATE: A committed relationship for GLBTs is basically the same as a marriage except that, in most states, we did not yet have the same legal rights and protections until the Supreme Court decision, June 26, 2015.

Committed means in love, serious about spending the rest of your lives together, convinced that God has brought you together, soul-mates who agree on at least the basics of life, how you want to live, what you believe, willing and able to work together as team members, happier and more fulfilled together than you would be apart, sincerely friends first before you start having sex, enjoying each others company, going to church, going to the mall, hiking, driving, watching TV, cooking. You know, compatible.

Here are links which provide helpful information.

When is it appropriate for a same sex couple to begin a sexual relationship?

What is the purpose of committed gay relationships?

Coming out is something you should only do when you're comfortable and safe in doing that. If you're still living at home and coming out will make things intolerable, I advise you not to come out yet. Use discernment and common sense. Focus on school, your friends, your job, college, playing sports, your hobbies, being the best son you can be, the best friend you can be, the best Christian you can be.

Wait to come out until you're on your own and can support yourself or until you have a support system to take your side, like an influential grandma or aunt or sibling or Mom. Because coming out is not always easy, you may want to read the pros and cons before you do it.

Coming Out Pros and Cons

Nov 06, 2012
Speaking of out of context...
by: Grant Baker

You cite Genesis 2:24 as support for gay marriage because it is when "flesh joins flesh." However, the Hebrew words used in that verse clearly state man and woman.

Gen 2:24 "For this reason a man" (Hebrew 'iysh = man) "will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife" (Hebrew 'ishshah meaning woman)", and they will become one flesh."

Rick's comment: You are reading Genesis 2:24 as if it is prescriptive when in reality, it is descriptive. The way we know God is not saying the only marriage He will bless is one man with one woman is because scripture affirms polygamy, Deu 21:15-17, 2 Sam 12:7-8, 2 Chron 24:2-3, and celibacy, 1 Cor 7:1-9.

Both polygamy and celibacy are blessed in the Bible, indicating that Genesis 2:24 is descriptive, not prescriptive.

Jul 06, 2015
hey one more thing
by: gay teen

Jeramy Townsley’s interesting website:

This page is not working is there anything similar link ?

Rick's comment: Hi gay teen - I'm not sure what happened to that page at Jeramy's website but here are the arsenokoites references on my website. Define arsenokoites

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