How can a married transgender M2F honor God?

by Steph

Thank you for writing to us. I am blessed by your desire to honor God with your life. While I don't have any magic answers which will make everything right, I believe God does have a wise purpose for everything He allows.

I invite others to gently Comment if you can be helpful to Steph. Special thanks to Sparrow for her wisdom in helping to answer Steph's original question.

Transsexualism is
probably genetic.

"In the largest ever genetic study of transsexuals, Australian researchers have discovered a DNA variation linked to male-to-female transsexualism.

The finding strengthens the view that there is a biological reason why some people feel they are living in the wrong body, in this case men who have a strong desire to live as a woman."

Admittedly, my response is tinged with conclusions I’ve come to in my own life, being a gay Christian with all the struggles that entails but without any personal experience of being trans.

When I read the wonderful life stories in the Bible, the message is clear — not everyone lived “happily ever after.” Flawed by our common fallen humanity, there are many in Scripture who did not see their dreams fully realized in this life.

Yet the Lord worked through the minor chords and dark days of their lives (Abraham, Joseph, Moses, Samson, Ruth, Naomi, Jonathan, David, Paul and others) to serve His purposes.

Even the sinless Son of God left this world on the point of a spear, John 19:34, the final indignity after they cruelly crucified Him! But the view from this side the grave is only faint prelude to the glory that lies ahead.

First, I encourage you to make sure of your relationship with the Lord. In other words, know FOR SURE that you are saved.

Second, determine that you will walk with the Lord and live for Him in spite of difficulty and opposition, Romans 12:1-2.

Third, as you "Walk in the Spirit," day by day, Galatians 5:16, your obedient life will honor your loving Lord, by His wisdom, by His strength, by His guidance.

Fourth, What do you believe the Lord wants you to do in this complicated situation that involves so many dependent people?

People in covenant relationship with you are depending on your faithfulness, your love, your support. What leading have you received from the Lord as to your best course of action?

Fifth, I encourage you to be careful what you decide. If you decide to leave your family (not something I recommend) and pursue sexual re-assignment surgery, that course has many challenges, difficulties and expenses which may compound your problems.

If you choose sexual re-assignment surgery, will your wife stand by you in your decision? Will you still be able to fulfill your obligations to the children who are dependent on you?

If you decide not to have re-assignment surgery and instead, stay and fulfill your covenant relationships with your wife and children, there are many difficulties and struggles in that direction too.

Is it fair to your wife and dependent children to introduce an emotional and spiritual earthquake into their existence? Is not the life our Savior calls us to one of sacrifice? Does God counsel us anywhere in scripture to put ourselves first?

I believe that God wants us to live fulfilled lives but that must be balanced by the cost of uprooting the lives of so many others. Doing the right thing often requires sacrifice - yielding to God our "right" to do what we think may be most fulfilling. Scripture encourages us to believe we can experience fulfillment in Christ in spite of our circumstances.

And often, God puts us in difficult circumstances on purpose, to teach us that we MUST trust Him and that its not always about us.

Please feel free to comment,
especially if you are a transsexual Christian
and have something constructive to add.

Steph's Original Question:

All my life I have prayed to God to help me understand and to have some peace of mind about myself. When I was in my early 40s I finally came to know why I felt so out of place in any stituation. I am Transgender M2F.

My whole life I have been trying to figure out why I didn't fit in. It is because I have been hiding from who I am. Now that I have accepted this about me i have been more at peace with myself but, not any more with my life. I have tried to explain this to my wife but she refuses to accept even the possibility that it is true but it is.

I have a wife of almost 30 years and family, six step children that are raised and 5 adopted special needs children that only one of which is grow and married. 17 grandchildren. Of the 4 kids at home, two will always live with us and the two youngest, 8 yr old twins, have a 99% chance of being on their own with their own families.

I believe in God and that Jesus died for my sins, that being Transgender is not a sin, that it is a birth defect. Like so many such defects it cannot be cured but, it can be mitigated with transitioning and surgery. This is not a sin either. Jesus said "if your eye offends you cut it out, if you hand offends you cut it off, for it is better to go to heaven without them than to burn in hell." But I have obligations to a wife and kids. Now What?

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Comments for How can a married transgender M2F honor God?

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Oct 09, 2014
Transgender Sadness
by: BH

I have wrestled with the transgender issue off and on for a long time. I made my wife aware 10 years ago, and have not dressed except with my wife twice but did experiment with the hormones about 5 years ago and decided it was not for me. Even though I have stayed male and fulfilled my duties as father and husband and loved her through health issues etc, she has said she only sees me as a woman and wants to "Set me free".

She has chosen to quit attending church and has moved next door saying she loves me but "not like that". She has picked up a new social life and displays it for me next door on a weekly basis. In the meantime, I am left with our farm chores and intense guilt and loneliness. I have promised her I would not transition but to no avail.

This has become a living hell. Truly, before talking with your family, make sure it is what you want. I made the mistake of for the sake of no secrets including her in the counseling process early on. We have been married for 16 years.

Rick's comment: Hi BH - I am praying for our Lord to give you grace, insight and understanding as you walk with Jesus through this. We cannot control and are not responsible for, the actions of others.

For all the loneliness and pain you've experienced, God has a wise purpose which He will reveal to you as you trust Him. Sometimes life throws us problems for which there are no easy answers yet there are answers.

I'm asking our readers to also pray for you and your family in this difficult time. Many thanks for being so open with us about your situation.

Apr 07, 2015
transgender husband
by: Jackie

i am the wife of a man who over the past 6 years he started out cross dressing, taking hormone supplements to grow his breast and most lately has been sneaking out late at night to have sex with other men. I found this all out 30 days ago and I am struggling. We are both Christians and we were evenly yoked when we married. He has promised me that he made a mistake with the other men and husband wives that he was sexually active with. I believe him when he says this.

My biggest dilemma is that my husband is bipolar and has attempted suicide 14 times from May 2007 - January 2012. He was put on several anti psychotics, anti depressants and counseling to also include electric shock treatment. All of his attempts were through medication overdose, alcohol, and cutting. For several years he was addicted to porn never followed through with counseling and he chose to go off all of his medication and start taking hormone supplements.

So my biggest question does he think he is a woman because of his addictions? He has always considered himself first before others so I truly believe he is not a woman but has an addiction that has been pushed to his reality. Unfortunate I believe he is mentally ill and he is breaking my heart and has bankrupted us.

Rick's comment: Hi Jackie - I'm so sorry you've had to go through such traumatic struggles. Based on what you've described, it does sound like mental illness is a factor. I am not qualified to counsel you but I beg you to find a professional counselor in your area, who can help you work through this disturbing situation.

As I told BH in the first comment, God is there for you, He is real and kind and loving and He will be strong in your behalf if you'll trust Him. The first thing to do is make sure you are saved by grace alone through faith alone in the Lord Jesus Christ alone.

Then, find a counselor and get professional support and help. A counselor can point you to support groups and social services help for you, your family and your husband. Thank you for being so transparent and honest about your situation. Praying for you.

Apr 14, 2015
I am lost and want to be found
by: Brian

I need help I am christian and I am Transgender, i have a wife but no children. I have came out to my family, and that was very bad only my wife was there for me. my mom and dad where very negitive with the news. I started my transition and went a full year as the women I know I am. I never made it to HRT before i "fell."

I then moved back to the town where my parents live so i could go back to work with my dad. Which is mostly ok because i love them and was never mad just sad. now 3 years later im turning 34 and feel the Dysphorea coming back just as strong if not stronger then before. I must add that I bleave that my path is to help others as i did on my first attempt.

I just don't know if I can live without my mom and dad. All my adult life i have worked with him in consturction in a state where we have little or no rights, and I would like some help please?

Rick's comment: Hi Brian - It sounds like you are in a complicated situation. I am not a professional counselor and cannot advise you except in generalities.

1. As a Christian you have the indwelling Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth. More often than not, that guidance is not an overnight process. It often takes a long time.

2. You must have had legitimate reasons for not completing your transition. Perhaps in thinking about why you backed off from transitioning before, you may find that God has a different plan for your life.

3. Where is God in all of this? Is He the center of your life? Are you making decisions based on what the Bible says in context and for the glory of God?

Praying that you will walk with the Lord through all of this and follow His leading because the glorious gospel of God's grace changes everything.

What must I do to be saved?

Aug 06, 2016
Don't give in to them
by: Erica

Well, as with any other condition it is your right to get treatment. If they don't approve or what not, it is THEY who are being selfish. Choosing not to transition is merely accommodating their beliefs, which is not required.

Rick's comment: Hi Erica - I think Brian is searching for a way to transition without losing a loving relationship with his parents. Because we don't know much about his situation, it is difficult for us to give helpful advice.

It may be that moving to a state which has laws providing trans rights is an option. Millions of people live in a state different than where their parents reside and still keep in touch and maintain a loving relationship.

Your construction experience should make it possible for you, Brian, to get a good job wherever you go, if you decide to move.

Whatever decision you make, we wish you God's best blessings in Jesus Christ.

May 21, 2017
New in the faith
by: FtM

I'm 21 years old and born female. At 18 I transitioned (just hormones, no surgery) into "male" and appear male.

I've admitted to God that what I did was against his design and was wondering how to repent? I stopped taking my hormones for now, but if I had to detransition and live as a woman again. it would be really difficult as no one knows I am female plus of all the "damage" done (my voice is deep, hairy etc). I realize this is complex as transgender is only in the last decade becoming prevalent.

Rick's comment: Hi FtM - Thanks for asking such a good question. First, it is important to know for sure you are saved. Knowing that is the starting place to making other decisions.

What must I do to be saved?

Second, I encourage you to read my page on transgender issues.

Third, if you were born with cancer or with a birth defect, it would not be a sin to address those issues. If you are born with gender dysphoria, it is not a sin to address that issue in your life.

If addressing that issue means transitioning FtM, that is not a sin and not something you need to repent of or reverse. I hope this is helpful to you. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you.

May 11, 2018
freely saying that i am a real gay.
by: Sezgi A---------

I am a gay person living Denizli Turkey (Sezgi A---------). and i wanna fly freely in the lgbts's sky and walk under the flags of gay pride parade.

Rick's comment: Hi Sezgi - We love you and welcome you! May the Lord Jesus Christ save you, bless you and keep you always in His care.

Jun 21, 2018
Newish to faith and struggling
by: Kyle aka Kaylee

I am 34 now about to be 35. I have felt and viewed my self as a woman born a man. I went through a very rough childhood being tied and gagged and in and out of counseling my whole life for anger and for gender identity.

I went into the army and married and divorced not due to my struggles the typical reason most service members deal with. I married again and had 2 children now 13 & 11. I came out many times and was caught many times.

I lost my job in part due to being on hormones trying to transition. I now have a greater faith then I ever have had. I struggle daily with not following through with my transition.

I know my wife would divorce me for doing this we as of recently had a near ending talk about this all. I am still not happy and still don’t see my self as a husband and never really have. I do accept that I am a father of two wonderful children. I don’t want to replace their mom but want to be acknowledged as a mom and a wife.

She still insists that I can be healed and fixed. I don’t know how to tell her that I can’t do this as a man or husband. I need to be her wife. I know Matthew 19:1-12 says to the effect have you not heard that God created man and woman and man shall leave his father and mother and marry and man and wife shall be one flesh.

Further it says that divorce was granted by God due to the hardness of heart and it was not so in the beginning. Further again it says that man was created and woman was created and some were born eunuchs and some were eunuchs by man and some were eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.

With the understanding of what that would translate to modern times I believe that God does welcome those who are transgender and loves us all the same.

I know that God does test us and I wish I knew if this was my test to either make the transition or not to. I wish I could hear what God is telling me on this.

Rick's comment: Hi Kyle aka Kaylee - You are in a situation where all you can do is:

1. immerse yourself in scripture, 2. keep trusting God and praying, 3. keep walking in the Spirit, Galatians 5:16 and 4. wait on God to show you what to do.

God knows your entire situation, He still loves you dearly and He will give you peace of heart about what to do that will please Him.

Until He makes His will clear to you, keep being a great husband and a great father.

Philippians 4:4-8 is the key to having the peace of God. Read it as many times a day as you need to, day by day, week by week, until it is ingrained in your mind.

The Lord has not forgotten you, has not forsaken you. It is always safe to trust God even in difficult circumstances.

Count your blessings - take time to write them down in a list and remember the ground of your confidence in Christ Jesus:

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6

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