What are some hints to know if I'm gay?

by Victoria
(USA)

God listens when we call on Him

God listens when we call on Him

Sparrow Answers -


Victoria's comments are bold and Sparrow's answers follow.




“I'm only 14, and this is when you're supposed to figure out this part of yourself,"

Where is it written that at 14, you’re supposed to be able to figure anything out that may concern the next 70 years of your life?

"and I'm starting to get really confused: I've felt something for my best friend,"

Not at all unusual for a young lady at 14-15.

"and I was searching for answers aside from being gay,"

Its very possible you are not gay at all. The feelings you describe are quite normal and are a natural part of growing up. You are blessed to live in the very best times possible as far as finding answers and support at your fingertips via the computer, among other resources.

"and I'd heard that it was classified as a "girl crush," but some factors of what I felt for her went beyond that term and now I'm starting to feel it grow stronger."

I think you may be too concerned with classifying, categorizing, labeling, putting into a neat little niche very complicated human emotions that are just awakening in you.

Be patient with yourself as these things unfold, no matter what direction they may lead, and don’t obsess over figuring out exactly where you are emotionally.

We resent it when others try to stick a label on us, or casually “profile” us... Worst of all, don’t “classify” yourself, and especially, not at 14.

You’ve never been any older than you are right now, and at 14, you have only a very small reserve of personal “history” to draw from, so listen to those who once were 14, and who were in your very shoes, and try to glean from their ability to look back at what they’ve learned over time.

"I've only ever liked guys, and I've only ever felt something for her, as far as girls so, but what I feel for her is so much stronger than anything I've ever felt for a guy - what does that say about me? What does that prove?"

It proves you are human and you're experiencing normal feelings. Liking a girl at this stage in your life definitely doesn't make you gay.

Again, you’re too concerned with proving, classifying, arriving at conclusions already at this early point. What you’re experiencing right now is common among girls your age.

Believe that its normal and have patience with yourself. It may “prove” nothing over time, or looking back someday, you may find it was the early stirrings of a different path.

There are few set-in-concrete answers at age 14, nor should there be. Relax and just be who you are.

Enjoy living life and like a good surfer, ride and balance these waves of emotion until you’re finally drawn “home” to the beach of what your Creator designed you to be. This “arrival home” comes at different periods in life for each individual.

God doesn’t answer all our questions up front just as we’re starting the journey, but He asks that you hold His hand, and let Him walk with you (in truth, it’s far more like Him letting us walk with Him) as each step unfolds). That is the secret coping mechanism — one step in front of another, holding onto God, seeking His guidance and help — you're not in a mad sprint to the finish line.

"I know that only I could decide if I'm gay or not,"

Well really, deciding that is up to the Lord. He decides who is gay or lesbian and who is not. Human sexuality is not always a neat black and white issue, where there are opposite poles with nothing in between.

Instead, its more like a rainbow or a spectrum, where a human being can find themselves anywhere on that vast expanse.

"but I don't know how to tell the difference 100%"

Its way too early in your life to be 100% sure you are gay/lesbian or not. If you don't know for sure, then its best to assume, at least for right now, that you're not gay.

"or what major signs to being gay are; also, I don't know if I classify as "bisexual" or not,"

Try to get out of this black/white mindset — look at nature, how the leaves change in the fall! See a leaf that once was green gradually changing to orange — is anything in that color palette 100%??? No! It’s gradated, it’s muted, there are no hard and fast delineations.

"because while I like my friend I still like guys, so I feel like I'm in a bisexual - questioning zone."

Its perfectly fine and human to question - don't be in such a rush to find life’s final answers at 14.

My comments presuppose that you are already a Christian. If you are not sure you know Jesus in a personal way, Here's how you can be sure you are saved by trusting Jesus Christ.

Our starting point to finding hope and comfort in God is to know Jesus as your personal Savior from sin.

I'll share a bit of my own experience so you'll know where I am coming from. I was a little different than you, at 14.

"Because I'm older now, I’ve long since realized, looking in the rearview mirror, that I “liked” boys because that’s what you were “supposed” to do, pressured by the ever-present example of my boy-crazy friends. But I never lost my heart to any boy, though I kept up all the external appearances. It was very difficult.

Then, still at 14, I fell head-over-heels in love with a woman in my school who was old enough to be my mother. I absolutely adored her, and clumsily, I didn't keep it a secret from her.

Falling deeply in love at 14 was a completely natural thing for me, as natural as having brown eyes. It may not necessarily be natural for everyone else.

I didn’t seek it, I didn’t pursue it. Truly, it just happened. I simply was swept out to sea on a huge wave. And 43 years later, I know it was genuine.

Plus, there never was a question in my heart whether or not “this is love” -- trite as it sounds, one does indeed “just know.”

Of course, nothing came of what I yearned for at the time - how could it? However, we have enjoyed a life-long friendship for 43 years and we still keep in touch with cards and letters.

The Lord had literally broken my heart with a deep and abiding love, and through the agonizing heartache of this unrequited experience, I learned more about Him and His unrequited love for us than I could have EVER learned otherwise."

Bottom line: be patient with yourself. Trite as it sounds, just “go with the flow” as far as your own emotions are concerned. Don’t be so concerned with attaching labels to yourself or your unique heart. Believe me, the Lord attaches no labels to each of us except “saved” or “lost.” Why should we demean ourselves with labels?

Once you invite Jesus to be your Savior, your guide, your mentor and your Dearest Friend, all the other questions you’re struggling with now will find their perfect answers in His perfect timing, and not a moment sooner or later.

Trust God and then live your life to the full each day, patiently and with confidence.




Sparrow describes herself:

"I knew I was gay from a very early age but I accepted Jesus as my Savior even younger!

I seem to have had a sad penchant for falling in love with people who were unavailable. After spending most of my life living a closeted, somewhat austere existence, I am now at blessed peace with knowing that "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me," no matters what happens.

“For if we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s." -Romans 14:8


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