Taking off My Mask

by Danny

Let me start by telling you that I fought it. I fought being gay with every fiber of my being. I wished it away. I begged it away. I lay prostrate on my face night after night begging a Holy God who required perfection for help. I will be the first to admit that I have never been much of a fighter but this I fought.

I lost - time and time again I lost! I know that to so many of my friends and family there will not ever be any reconciliation that this is me and that I am exactly who God created me to be. I can understand this, as I am just now allowing myself to come to terms after 33 years of life, at least 25 of which I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I was Gay.

A Spirit filled Christian, baptized when I was 5, accepted by a God that knew intimately all that I was and all that I would be! Gay! Raised in a strict Pentecostal religion in which nearly everything outside of breathing and eating was a sin that would send me to hell and here I am Gay. Gay - the supposed abominable, the unpardonable.

Oh my God what did I do to deserve this? I don’t understand. You’re a father. A father doesn’t desire to harm or torment his children, and yet here I am - Gay!

Please believe me, I can’t remember a time in which I haven’t begged God for relief. I knew what I was taught. I knew the supposed disgrace. I went without everything that I felt was making me this way, and still no relief.

In begging God for deliverance from this I asked Him for a wife, believing that marriage was the cure. If only I would marry and have sex with a woman then everything would be okay.

He answered me in part. God gave me a wife yet she wasn’t just a wife, He gave to me an angel. He gave to me what I thought I wanted. She is by far to me still the most beautiful person in the world inside and out. He caused our hearts to intertwine until they seem almost inseparable and yet here we sit, breaking because despite all that she is, I can’t be a real husband to her.

I can’t be at all what she deserves and the angel that she is tells me that the little that I have given her has been and will continue to be more than enough. This is a woman who followed me through mood swings, irritability, emotional and physical unfaithfulness, emotional torments and anxieties at being found out.

She followed me from city to city and state to state to chase after a husband who was running from himself. She just watched in great support as she was taking great ridicule for staying with a man who would not keep a job to support her and her two small children.

Danny, her sorry husband who would quit job after job because someone either suspected or outright found out who I really was. She never asked me any questions, only trusted me and defended me to the hilt to any one, included her own mom and dad, whenever anyone said anything at all negative about me.

She would say that He is a good man. You will see. He is a good man of God. I watched this little Baptist girl grow spiritually to great heights in God. Night by night I listened to this angel lying beside me in bed, call out to Jesus.

Oh how I admire her. She has been to me tranquility and peace of mind more than she will ever know. She has been to me a sword and a shield and a protector, but unfortunately she wasn’t my deliverance. All that she is and was and did could not change who I am. It did not make me able to live the life of a straight man, no matter how much I wanted to.

I have been called to be real. I have to step into all that God has created me to be, leaving any trace of a mask behind. I do not want to even breathe if I can’t be real. I don’t want to live if I can’t be as open and apparent before man as I have been before God all of my life.

All of the hiding, all of the masks that I wore have come off. The walk that I tried to walk, the talk that I tried to talk, the life I tried to live never ever fooled God. He has seen through every mask that I put on, trying to be something that I could never be.

And yet God has gifted me and loved me beyond all that I have imagined. Many times in the past few weeks, the question has been asked of me:

“Are you reconciled that you are who God created you to be?”

I can sit here tonight with tears flowing down my face and tell you,

"Yes. Yes, I am!"

Nearly all of Christendom may believe that I am damned and dying, just for being the gay man God created me to be but I know the truth. My heavenly Father is here with me right now as He always has been. He is here holding me and loving me, and telling me louder than anything that I have ever heard spoken from Him,

"Danny, I love you, I know you. I have always known you. I filled you with my Spirit at 5 years old for my reasons. You are mine and I have great things in store for you. You have questioned so many things thus far. I have heard them all and my answer to you, Danny, is to just be yourself. I will bless you, I will anoint you. Take off your mask and just be real!

Comments for Taking off My Mask

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Nov 17, 2007
by: JN1034.blogspot.com

Danny: Thank you for sharing this. No doubt, it wasn't easy to write, to have to re-live so much of what you've had to reconcile and struggle through. But your lifestory speaks to millions of others who've yet to gather themselves through years of tears, who've yet to hear the loving, affirming voice of God in their hearts. You've been blessed in many ways, with more to come, and yes, many new challenges. Our prayers and respect are with you.

Dec 02, 2007
by: Earl

AMEN!!!!!! It fills my soul with joy when I hear someone else who has come to a place of deliverance from the closet and all the baggage that it brings with it. It takes me back to my day of reckoning and I praise God again for that miracle!!!! I pray that others who have not yet reconciled their faith and their sexuality will find inspiration in this.

Thanks, Danny and God bless.

Gary, IN

Apr 15, 2008
I'm so proud of you Danny
by: Darren

There is a move of God afoot in these days Danny. God will not allow His gay children to be abused by the rest of the Church forever. There are so many strong Christian men and women who are gay who God is raising up to challenge the status quo. Be strong through this time Danny. God will never leave you nor forsake you. He has called you by His Name and dances with joy over you as a young mother above her first baby's crib.

All the thoughts God has for you are for good and not for evil. Do not give in to the temptation to lash out at those Christians who dismiss you. They are following what they have been taught. Rather, let your light shine before them and don't quench the Spirit.

This is how they will know we are Christians - by our love one for another. Everyone who loves is born of God and Knows God - just as you do my brother. I am so proud of you!!

Jul 05, 2010
Thank you
by: Anonymous

I am sorry that you have to go through this path, but your testimony will be a great blessing to those who are considering this path. What a powerful testimony. I pray that God will use you and your testimony to help those who are in need.

Dec 21, 2010
this is it
by: Canucks fan

this is wat I have needed. all the posts and stories that I have read, will indeed fuel my coming out party. Thank you for this man, seriously. I truly thought I could not be a christian and be gay, at all. just wont work. My mask will be taken off, still I say that right now with doubt, worry and fear, but sites like this and stories like yours, are gunna help me big time

Dec 21, 2010
by: B.C. Boy

?Are you reconciled that you are who God created you to be??

I can sit here tonight with tears flowing down my face and tell you,

"Yes. Yes, I am!

Thats amazing. 5 mins before I read your story I was cryin but on the complete opposite end of what you just said there. After readin your story, I now know why I have kept certain girl friends of mine really close. I have many christian buddies that I have no idea if they will want to friends with me no more, but after readin this, my one girl friend might be all I really need.

Thank u for sharing dude. This is going to help me, a lot. Cause I need it!

Jan 23, 2014
by: Danny

Thanks guys.

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