My Coming Out Story

by Ebony Smith
(Michigan, USA)

Okay, so where do I begin? I'm eighteen, soon to be nineteen, and I will be returning to university this Fall as a Sophomore. I would like to believe I am smart, headstrong, compassionate, and a whole array of other awesome qualities, but I must adhere to humility, as Jesus would have me do and stop my rambling. (*smiles*)

I was adopted when only two years old. My biological mother was too young and violent to take care of me properly. No one even knows who my biological dad was. I was raised in a Christian home, Baptist, and grew up like any regular kid. I have eleven brothers and sisters, all but two of them older than me. I got plenty of love and was "normal" by all accounts.

I remember one day vividly. It was January (I remember the month because it was my mom's birthday month), that me, my mom, and two of my brothers were home, and were watching some fashion movie on Lifetime. I was only nine when this happened, but I clearly remember one point during the show where this woman came on screen in this long beautiful white wedding dress.

I remember thinking; "She's so beautiful; I want to marry her!" Having not seen anything wrong with that thought, I proceeded to happily tell my mom; "When I grow up, I'm gonna marry a woman as pretty as she is!"

Thinking (probably) that I was merely joking, mom laughed and said; "Honey, you won't marry a girl; you'll marry a guy." I was confused and asked her; "Why? I want to marry a girl."

Once again my mother laughed and shrugged saying; "Girls marry boys, and boys marry girls."

I didn't bother to ask anymore.

A few years later, in sixth grade, I made friends with this girl named Julie. I went to a predominantly black school (I'm biracial, and my family's predominantly black), and I was intrigued by Julie because she was white. But then I got to know her and she was beyond awesome.

She told me about how she'd "experimented" with girls and I was curious as to what she meant, because aside from my nine year old declaration of marrying a woman, I had all but forgotten about it.

It wasn't until three years later, at the age of 14 in ninth grade, that I got my first crush. On a girl on my soccer team. At a private Christian school.

At first I thought I was just excited by her personality. She was very sportive, was on honor roll and absolutely gorgeous. She was one grade ahead of me but because the school was relatively small (only 750 students from grade 1 to 12), and we were on the same sports team, we were around each other a lot. We became really good friends.

We hung out after school, went to Bible classes together, the works.

I remember one day that we were headed to an away soccer game on the bus and it was raining outside.

During the actual game (I was left defense), I slipped and fell on the slippery ground so much, and Katie (the girl I crushed on) who was the goalie couldn't stop three goals because of my ineptitude.

I literally started to cry as we made our way to the buses after the game. We lost spectacularly. I remember feeling a hand on my shoulder turning me around, and looking up into Katie's eyes. She was so sweet, so loving, that I felt embarrassed to be crying around her. I tried to pull away, and before I knew it, she was pulling me into a hug.

She didn't let go of me until I'd calmed down, and she made me sit with her on the bus so we could talk privately.

The way my heart pounded and my stomach erupted into butterflies feeling her arms around me, I knew I couldn't deny what I felt.

That was when the slight depression began, because I figured; God couldn't love me now that I was gay, right?

I began to withdraw from family, into myself. I told myself over and over that if I stayed single for the rest of my life, maybe then God would love me.

Things finally came to a crossroads when I fell in love with a girl named Kayla (this was two years later, in 11th grade, and I'd left the private school for a public one). We both had English together, and Yearbook. I helped her in English and she was my Editor in the Sports section of Yearbook. I had it so bad for her but I kept telling myself I had to stay single.

At home, family members began questioning me out of curiosity about my love life, wondering why I wasn't dating. I just smiled and shrugged a lot.

And then came my senior year. By now I was 17. I had never acted on any of my crushes, never dated anyone, and still had my beloved V-card. Regardless of my sexuality, I do not believe in pre-marital sex.

I was getting college acceptance letters and getting many talks from my family about how I would soon be on my own and making my own decisions.

I was afraid I would "sink" and get caught up doing things that went against the Bible. I desperately wanted God's approval. I prayed until I cried and then prayed some more for God to "fix" me, so He could love me. Surely I had to turn straight for Him to love me, right?

And then I went off to college and there I slowly learned the truth. God already loves me and I don't need Him to "fix" my homosexuality. He knew me before I was even born. I was gay before I was baptized in the Church at age 11, and I am still gay now. My soul is as precious to Him as anyone elses', made perfect through Jesus' ultimate sacrifice.

As of today, the only people who know I am gay are two of my female friends, both of whom are bisexual, and my younger sister and two nieces.

Slowly but surely, as I am starting to accept myself, I find it is easier to let others (that I trust and are important in my life) know something so precious about me.

And as for the people I am afraid to come out to...

I truely believe that when anti-gay Christians preach their beliefs, it is not because they hate us, but because they are either mis-informed, or comfortable with traditional values that they were brought up by in their homes. They simply preach what they've always been taught.

Different ideas can be scary for some people. But I believe that if we give it time, if we continue to show people, and not just tell them, then acceptance is within our grasp. We have God's blessing behind us, and He loves us.

Coming Out 101 explains what you need to know about Coming Out.

Comments for My Coming Out Story

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Jan 02, 2010
God bless you Ebony
by: Anonymous

God bless you Ebony. As Jesus loved with unconditional love let us also love those that despise us. It is hard but with the help of our Father in heaven we can overcome and show His love to others.

Oct 12, 2010
Beautiful Story
by: Anonymous

You sound like such a sweetheart Ebony. I am a straight Christian woman and I look forward to the day when orientation isn't an issue. "May God Bless You and Keep You and May His Holy Face Shine Upon You and Be Gracious Unto You."

Apr 19, 2012
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Hey Ebony. Thank you so much for posting this story. I've been reading a lot of other stories but yours stuck out the most because it's almost exactly what I'm going through. So again, thank you and God bless on all your endeavors.

Nov 23, 2012
Deeply Concerned
by: Donald Morrison

I was searching the web for "gay" tracts, to give out to those who (openly) are living this sin. Sorry, but no-one who is living this sin in practice are genuine Christians. No-one who is practicing sin (whatever sin it is, or whatever label you give it) is a Biblical Christian.

Every genuine blood bought sinner, who is gloriously converted by the grace of God "repents and believes the gospel." Once converted, they forsake and turn their back on everything that has the stamp or the stain of sin upon it, including homosexuality. They may still struggle with such tendancies, but no more will they embrace it - the past has been got rid of forever "the old has gone ALL things have become new."

These are not my thoughts, but rather the words of absolute truth, as recorded in the Bible. It is the "truth" that sets sinners free and when it has "ye shall be free indeed."

May the Lord release you, and like minded sinners (whose claims are also blasphemous) from the devil's web of deceit and falsehood, before it is too late... Deeply concerned - Donald

Rick's comment: Donald, what a sad thing. Having embraced the false teaching of the anti-gay crowd, your self-loathing does not adorn the grace of God in Jesus Christ for a Christian. I hope you will set aside their false teaching and spend time exploring my website. You owe yourself at least that much honesty.

There is help and hope for you in Jesus without changing your sexual orientation. You've bought into the lies of the anti-gay crowd and those lies have made you miserable but you don't have to continue in misery.

The grace of God in Jesus Christ calls you away from bondage to anti-gay legalism into the glorious freedom of the sons of God, Galatians 5:1 and etc.

God bless you dear brother as you reject the lies of the devil who wants to keep you lonely and in bondage to anti-gay false teaching. There is a bright wonderful grace-filled world out there which you have yet to experience. I hope you discover it because it will change your life in a glorious way.

Aug 28, 2014
Permission
by: Bambi Morgan

I have an LGBT page I created on Facebook as a support group and a meet and greet page. I was wondering if I could share your story on my page Ebony? I find your story beautiful and I think a lot of people could benefit from hearing it. Thank you for sharing your story.

Rick's comment: Hi Bambi - would you send the links to your FB support group and meet and greet pages so we'll know what they are about? Many thanks.

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