Am I sinning?

by Gui
(Canada)

The common sense answer to your question is, Yes, you are committing the sins of adultery and fornication when you sneak around behind your wife's back and have sex with anyone outside your marriage. Even unsaved people recognize that kind of behavior as cheating.

The Bible says: Thou shalt not commit adultery." Exodus 20:14.

The Bible tells us: "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and every wife her own husband." -1 Corinthians 7:2.

The Bible says: "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel (his body) in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:" -1 Thessalonians 4:3-5.

It sounds like you're trying to rationalize your sin by portraying yourself as protecting your wife by cheating on her instead of divorcing her. If you're secretly having sex with men while also being married to your wife, I wonder if you really do care about her? AIDS and other STDs are real and you have no right to treat her in such a shabby way.

I encourage you to man up and make a decision. Either keep your marriage vows and stay faithful to your wife or get divorced so she is free to marry someone who will love, cherish and be true to her. You owe her honesty and faithfulness, not lies, deceit and cheating.

At the bottom of this page, I've included links to additional information which answers your question.

"Gui's Original Question: I first suspected I was gay when I was 19, though I had always been attracted to men and not to women. I fell in love with a fellow student but did not acknowledge that that's what it was. On an occasion when we traveled to to make a presentation on behalf of our college we had to share a bed. We inadvertently found ourselves engaging in sexual activity. On another occasion we did the same thing intentionally.

I denied that I was gay. I met and married my wife on the basis of the love of friendship, not romantic or erotic love. I had never had sex with a woman and my first experience disgusted me. Our sex life was very occasional and I did it for the sake of my wife. Fortunately she does not have a strong libido and has been satisfied with the amount of sex we have.

I was always sexually attracted to, and sometimes aroused by good-looking men. Still I denied that I am gay. Over the years of our marriage occasions arose when I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I gave in. I felt guilty and ashamed. Each time I confessed to God, repented and believed I was forgiven.

When I have tried to discuss my doubts about my orientation with my wife she has felt threatened and blamed herself saying that there's something wrong with her if I doubt my sexual identity.

Recently I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay. I met a guy, who has become a friend, who is also gay. We've had sex together. It was the only really satisfying sex I have ever had. We want to continue in the relationship, including the sexual aspect.

My wife does not know about the sexual aspect of our relationship, and I don't intend to tell her. Also, I love my wife and don't want to hurt her. I think to leave her for my friend would be morally worse than having a sexual aspect to our friendship.

I justify my situation to myself by telling myself that this is lesser of a number of evils: the evils being abandoning my wife; denying my orientation and thus falling into having sex with guys on presenting occasions. I have tried to be hetero and failed. Total abstinence from gay sex seems impossible for me, even though I have only occasionally engaged in it.

Yet I have doubts about the sexual aspect of my friendship. I don't want to sin, but is sin always all or nothing? Are there not categories of good, better and best, bad, worse and worst? What do you think?"

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